Maine, Marriage, and Motivation

It’s October and the foliage of New England is in a full bloom of color with the change of seasons from summer to fall. I was fortunate enough to see the fall colors of rusts and orange first hand in Maine. The crimson leaves of fall will soon be falling and blowing in the wind by the bushel, and by the end of the month we’ll be seeing trees almost naked. With the bare limbs comes a revealing new view of the horizon. On the political horizon, we stand a good chance of seeing past the naked limbs by the end of this month, too.

I agreed to fly to Portland, Maine from my home in Portland, Oregon to work for Maine’s No on 1 campaign. The legislature of Maine wants to bring marriage equality to its citizens. But as predictable as the change of colors of the leaves in New England, the same old predictable opposition geared up with their fear-mongering tactics fueled by money ignorance and intolerance. Their television ads warn that the ancient institution of heterosexual marriage is all that separates our society from total collapse. Our children will be harmed if marriage is anything other than a holy church sanctioned union between one man and one woman. In Maine, the process to overturn marriage equality at the ballot box is called a People’s Veto. The ballot measure is titled Question 1. If the majority of voters in Maine approve Question 1, resulting in a People’s Veto, same sex couples will not be able to lawfully and civilly marry.

I went to work on the campaign in Maine as a part of a nationally coordinated effort flying in volunteers from around the country to Maine. Euphemistically called Vacation Volunteers, I was one of about 25 people who flew in that week. More folks are traveling to Maine from around the country during the month of October. The term Vacation Volunteers is sort of misleading: the entire week I was there I worked a minimum of 12 hours a day, except for the Wednesday evening I visited my niece, a Portland, Maine resident who I haven’t seen in many years. My niece, who happens to be my age and identifies as lesbian, had not seen me since I transitioned, which might just be a totally different column for the next edition.

By way of disclosure, I personally don’t plan on getting married in the future. In my own little personal bubble of relationships, marriage is definitely not in the tarot cards. My children are all grown up and leading productive adult lives. I may even have some very personal reasons which tend to color the view I have on marriage which give me pause to question if it would ever be a consideration for my life. It is also very possible that I might think marriage should not be regulated or recognized by government. I may say marriage is a religious rite or sacrament peculiar to one’s faith and really has no place being licensed, regulated or given any particular set of governmental privileges or responsibilities.

Some in the gay and lesbian stream of consciousness might wonder why I might go fight this battle as a trans person. They have no knowledge I don’t plan on getting married. These folks are possibly the same folks who don’t necessarily see the T in LGBT as a part of their community or experience. They see the T as some sort of distant cousin. Oddly, these same folks don’t give a second thought to a straight ally or PFLAG parent joining the marriage equality struggle. The fact that I am trans lies just beneath the surface and I often think they see me there as supporting their cause in hopes they will support my cause. Sort of you scratch my back and I’ll sometime in the future scratch your back, if it is convenient for me to do so. Oops did I say that? Yes Dorothy if you are reading this, I did say exactly that. Let’s not so easily forget that I, along with every transgender, gender queer, gender non-conforming American out there, saw firsthand the under carriage of the bus as recently as two years ago. Nor let us forget the board level leadership conversations that have been a part of every closed door conversation about whether or not to be inclusive.

If this particular segment of the gay and lesbian experience happens to cling to this exclusive way of thinking, so be it. The winning of hearts and minds is as multi faceted as it is ongoing. I kind of doubt that there are enough slick tri-fold educational pamphlets bearing equal signs or enough Trans 101 classes to effectively alter that thinking by itself. We can read all the books and watch all the movie specials about a long isolated tribe of people living in the Amazon who have multiple genders, but until you’re face to face with these people as a tribe, how is it really possible to begin to understand and embrace their experience? Notice I mentioned that the face to face encounter is not just a singular encounter, but involves the entire tribe. That’s right, just because you happen to know one person of a tribe does not give you a pass, even if you have a close relationship with that one person. That does not invalidate the value of education or personally getting to know someone of an experience which differs from your own. It is a great beginning, but it is just a beginning first step to finding common ground we all share. Also, let us not forget that the long isolated tribal members need to be open and willing to accept people from the outside world.

There’s another interesting, if not ignorant, stereotype that is somehow based upon the fact that I do freely identify as female. The assumption being I would be, by default, exclusively intimate with men. Which of course would then follow I would be heterosexual and somehow not a part of the queer collective. Ugh! Argh! Oy! Don’t get me started on that particular issue. Just exactly when will this issue be as extinct as the dodo bird?

I realize I have kind of harped on the gay and lesbian folks who don’t necessarily see me as having a common experience, totally failing to mention all the really awesome folks who embrace me as a person and see our struggles as their struggles. I suppose the argument can become a question of determining if these great friends are a majority or a minority of gay and lesbian people. I’ll leave that potential argument for another time. In the mean time, politically, socially or otherwise, I feel it is important for all of us to support one another in our struggles for fair and equal treatment. We all need to step up to claim our space in this life and that space is not limited by any walls which limit the capacity of the space we seek to claim. When we do our part in stepping up and in stepping out, we all benefit.

At the same time, some of the folks who identify as trans might not see reasons for fighting for something that is not wholly benefiting trans people. Why aren’t I devoting all my time and resources to fighting for an inclusive ENDA, hate crime legislation or some other trans issue? Marriage equality and the repeal of Don’t Ask / Don’t Tell aren’t necessarily seen as priority issues for trans people. For many, the issue of employment discrimination is the all consuming top trans political priority. After all, what can be more important than the ability to hold a job and earn a living? ENDA relates to basic survival.

Another question may also be on the minds of folks who identify as trans and don’t see marriage equality as a part of the struggles for trans equality. Perhaps they might see the institution of marriage as something that continues to reaffirm the gender binary. Marriage equality is by definition, either in part or in whole, the fight to legalize same sex marriage. In other words, under the current lens the opponents of gay marriage seek to keep marriage solely something available to only one man and one woman. Those in favor of same sex marriage are seeking to allow civil marriages between one man and one man or one woman and one woman. There are no gender neutral pronouns to be found in any of the arguments pro or con on the issue. I’ll just mention the irony of the actual statutes which legalize marriage equality: legal language almost always uses gender neutral terminology. In other words, the actual laws on the books do not specify one woman and one man, nor two men or two women.

To illustrate, here is an excerpt of the Maine’s marriage statute under attack:

650-A. Codification of marriage

“Marriage is the legally recognized union of 2 people. Gender-specific terms relating to the marital relationship or familial relationships, including, but not limited to, “spouse,” “family,” “marriage,” “immediate family,” “dependent,” “next of kin,” “bride,” “groom,” “husband,” “wife,” “widow” and “widower,” must be construed to be gender-neutral for all purposes throughout the law, whether in the context of statute, administrative or court rule, policy, common law or any other source of civil law.“

While I personally don’t see marriage as a personal option in the future, I know I certainly do not want to be limited in my choices in any way. What if the adage never say never rears up in the future? I do identify as a lesbian and it is likely that a life partner would be another woman, but at the same time my sexuality is complex. If I were from a state which does not allow my birth certificate to be changed to correctly reflect who I am, my mate and I would be allowed to legally marry, but it would be a tortured proposition and in essence a step back to living in a way that would not be authentic or real. The same would be true if by some chance if I were to fall in love with a transman. We’d legally be able to marry, but again it would be disingenuous. As a trans person, regardless of surgical status, birth certificate status, or otherwise, the issue of marriage equality impacts me on a very personal level. Perhaps that impact is not readily recognized by anyone other than me or another person who happens to have a transgender or gender queer history. Nonetheless the fight for marriage equality in Maine, California, Washington and elsewhere is my personal fight too.

Tags: civil rights, equal rights, gay, Laura Calvo, lesbian, marriage equality, Politics, transgender